When I witnessed Washington Capital’s forward Karl Alzner gesture at Bruins star Milan Lucic to insinuate he is a crybaby, I was thoroughly confused. Not because my friends think I look like the guy (I honestly don’t see it) but because WHAT THE HELL IS HE F*CKING TALKING ABOUT?
As my friend Jeff pointed out, Jack Edwards summed it up well when he said:
“Lucic could have made that gesture right back at you, but he would have scratched his cornea with his STANLEY CUP RING!”
I mean honestly… even Lucic’s teammates were confused.
At only 23 years old, Lucic already has a Stanley Cup ring – something Alzner does not have.
What would Lucic have to cry about?
So while Alzner, who had one fighting penalty in 2011-2012, is probably busy preparing for tonight’s Game 4 by reading a how-to guide on self-defense, I took the liberty of compiling a list to help him understand that he, the Capitals and Washington, D.C., have a lot more to cry about than Lucic, the Bruins and Boston.
First, Bostonians pride ourselves on our driving ability – albeit aggressive. The Capitals star player Alexander Ovechkin may need some parking tips. As previously documented on The Washington Post’s D.C. Sports Blog, Ovechkin unnecessarily takes up multiple parking spaces with his Mercedes Benz. What did he do with his money for driving lessons?
We know he didnt’ spend it on music lessons (see his cameo in Russian rapper Sasha Belyi’s “Champion” video…. HAhahahahahahahahahahahah *cough* ha *cough*
Also, Massachusetts has 12 voting members in the House of Representatives and the Senate. Washington, D.C., has ZERO. The roughly 600,000 residents of the district do have a delegate in Congress, but that person cannot vote on laws. That’s sort of like winning the Southeast Division four years in a row and never making it past the semifinals. What’s the point?
Finally, Boston is a proud hockey town with an Original Six team, and six Stanley Cup victories. But despite the Cup banners, the Bruins have atleast been to a Stanley Cup finals and won a game. The Capitals, in their 37-year exsistance, have been to one Stanley Cup championship, and they were swept.
If you look at just the minutes, you’ll see that Alzner picked on the wrong bruin;
Alzner had just a fraction of the penalty minutes seasoned fighter Milan Lucic has accumulated:
- Alzner collected 29 penalty minutes in the 2011-2012 season
- He had two roughing penalties in separate games in February and March. One was against the Bruins.
- Alzner’s one 5-minute fighting major penalty this past season came in January
Compare that to:
- Lucic’s racked up 135 roughing and fighting penalty minutes in 2011-2012 alone.
Dont cry for Lucic or Boston, Alzner. Cry for yourself and prepare to take a punch or two to the face, courtesy of the bear who shalt not be poked. Hopefully then you’ll remember tonight before you open your big, dumb mouth, and instead, you’ll keep it closed next time. You douchenozzle.
There’s one other thing I want to touch on before the game tonight. The bruins are looking to take two games in our nation’s capital, right when the series is starting to get quite chippy.
I apologize in advance for snagging another person’s column, but I LOVED the way this guy put it:
Did anyone see the penalty after the last game? Backstrom will be riding the bench tonight for this dickpickle move. As the final horn sounded in Game 3, Capitals forward Nicklas Backstrom approached Bruins forward Rich Peverly, raised his stick, and cross-checked him in the face. Backstrom received a match penalty, meaning that he would automatically be suspended for the next game, pending league review.
Well the league spoke, and the suspensions was upheld. That means the Caps, down 2-1 in the series, will be without their fifth-highest regular season points leader and one of the top performers this series. The B’s are in the driver’s seat, while the Caps are undermanned. If they “capitalize” on the situation, they’ll be up 3-1 in the series heading back to Boston – a favorable turn of events.
Stay tuned, sports fans. Tonight’s game is going to be a hoot.
…and by hoot, i mean slugfest.
statistics, history, and other information provided by:
ESPN.Com, Boston Metro, Bruins.com, NHL.com